January 3rd 2011: ‘Dad, are you free? I need to talk’ I say gentle knocking on the door to my fathers office ‘Sure, come in Thomas. What do you need to talk about?’ My father, Thomas senior asks. I step into his office cautiously, it’s a very quite room, filled with books and papers. His desk is at the back of the room facing the doorway. Walking into his office is like taking a step back in time. The decor is very old fashioned, it almost looks plucked straight out of the 1920’s but that’s the way he likes it. ‘It’s about Emily’ I stutter sitting down on the chair opposite his desk, he leans back into his chair, and rubs he grey bushy beard. ‘Emily? Is this the girl you’ve been dating?’ He asks rather sternly. My dad is quite a stern man in general, he’s a serious man and doesn’t often joke around. He was never one of these dads you’d see down the park goofing around with their kids. No. He’s a workaholic and when he’s not working he’s studying or reading, which is why I know I can always turn to him for advise. He doesn’t just say the first thing that comes into his head, he ponders the question, sits back and takes a deep breath before giving his opinion. He often doesn’t reply for a day or two, depending how serious the question is. ‘Yeah, we’ve been dating about 6 weeks’ I stammer ‘So what’s the problem son? I assuming this isn’t a ‘birds and the bees’ kind of talk’ He asks giving a slight smile, which is probably the most I’ve ever seen him laugh ‘No, we’ve..urm..figured that out already’ I reply awkwardly ‘it’s just I’m frightened of loosing her’ I follow up lowering my head ‘And why do you fear loosing her?’ ‘She’s waaay out of my league! If you haven’t noticed dad, I’m not exactly fighting the girls off’ I chuckle at my own self pity. It’s true though, the problem with me was I never developed that confidence the popular boys have. I wouldn’t say I was unattractive, being half Irish on my mother’s side I inherited those classic dark Irish good looks. I shot up quite young as well, I was 6 foot by age 15 now at 18 I’m 6’2 but I never filled out so I look more like a lamppost rather than a man. My hobbies didn’t help either. I was no good at sports and had no interest in them. I could never get my head round why people like watching other people play sport. I find sport and tv in general mind numbing but I guess that’s exactly what it is, just another way to keep ordinary people entertained and distracted from the reality of life. I enjoyed leaning, science mainly, probably because of my dad. He’s a scientist specialising in food chemistry and biochemistry, he also has interests in food engineering and processing. I find his work very interesting and I’m keen to follow in his footsteps. ‘I literally have no idea why she’s even dating me to be honest! Emily is literally top 5 most popular girls at school and she has boys chasing after her all the time!’ ‘And that’s the problem I take it? You’re jealous she’s going to leave you?’ My father interrupts ‘Well...yeah! A few occasions she’s had guys ask her out whilst I’m standing next to her! I don’t say anything encase she thinks I’m questioning her loyalty but I don’t want to keep not say anything and have her think I can’t stand up for myself!’ I explain to him leaving the part out where I admit I’m terrified of getting a broken nose from one of the meat heads! ‘Hm, I see...tell my Thomas, what does Emily enjoy doing the most?’ He asks curiously and seemingly random ‘Urm I dunno really, she’s quite athletic but hasn’t really been to the gym since we started dating...she loves tv and movies..and video games! I’ve noticed that she loves food as well, she’s always asking to go to different restaurants on date nights!’ I inform him feeling my heart fill with joy just thinking about her! By this point my father is making notes in his little pocket note pad. ‘Do you have a picture of Emily?’ ‘Yeah of course!’ I say sliding my phone open and handing it to my dad ‘Hm very interesting’ he says hitting down more notes ‘What is it dad?’ ‘She’s in very good shape’ he says biting his pen in deep thought ‘Yeah..like I said she’s athletic’ ‘And yet she’s not...’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Son, I’ve meant hundreds of athletic people in my life time, I work with nutritionist and healthy freaks who love working out...Basically what I’m saying is I know an athletic person when I see one and going by the information you’re giving me, Emily is not athletic...she’s a fake’ ‘Are you saying that she doesn’t love me?’ ‘No that’s not what I’m saying Thomas, I’m saying that she doesn’t love herself. Her hobbies and interests are not what athletic people are into son, she doesn’t want to watch what she’s eating and work out, I bet she doesn’t even care about being in shape!’ ‘But if that’s true...why is she in shape?’ I ask still trying to understand what any of this has to do with mine and Emily’s relationship. ‘How bigs her family?’ ‘Not very big, she’s an only child to a single mother. She’s got a cousin in the year below us at school, a grandma and a couple of aunts I think’ I say trying my best to remember what Emily had told me about her family ‘What’s her family like?’ ‘I’ve only met her mom, she was nice enough’ I shrug ‘What does she look like?’ ‘Spanish..like Emily but older and fa..bigger’ ‘So she’s big?’ ‘Hmm she’s a bit taller than Emily, maybe 5’6 and about 300 pound give or take a few’ ‘So that’s why Emily is in good shape! Her mother is pushing her to be in shape so she doesn’t end up like her mother!’ ‘You came to that conclusion from a few pictures and a little bit of information?’ I ask raising my eyebrows in disbelief ‘Trust me on this one Thomas!’ ‘So how’s this supposed to help me dad?’ ‘I’m getting to that in a minute...but first let me ask you something...why are you with her?’ ‘Because when the most popular girl in school asks you to take her out for dinner, you don’t turn that down! Especially in my position of being dubbed a ‘nerd’!’ I chuckle ‘But let’s be honest now, son..she not your type’ my dad says point blank ‘What? Of course she is! She’s gorgeous and we get on so well!’ ‘Thomas, I’ve raised you for 17years, do you really think I don’t know what your preferences are? Big bellies, big breasts and big bottoms...ring any bells?’ He says with a slight smug look on his face ‘I..urm..I..’ ‘No need to say anything son, me and your mother have known ever since you were old enough to walk and talk! It’s in us Thomas...I’m the same and so was your grandad! It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.’ Although my dad had just told me he knew about my dirty little secret I somehow feel comforted and relieved. ‘I’ve got a theory that you and Emily get on so well because subconsciously you want the same thing! She wants to let herself go and you want a big woman!’ ‘So are you saying a should fatten her up?’ ‘I’m not suggesting anything...but...if she was to gain, let’s say, 50 pounds, she probably wouldn’t have other men obnoxiously asking her out in front of you, plus she’ll be happier not having to worry about her diet and exercise and you’ll be happier because you’ll be more sexually satisfied!’ ‘You’re right dad! It makes sense! But how am I going to convince her to gain weight?’ ‘I’m going to tell you something but promise me you won’t tell anybody else! Not even your mother!’ ‘I promise I won’t!’ I say excited eager to find out what little trick my dad had up his sleeve ‘Many many years ago, a friend and I were working on a side project to help eliminate the side effects of obesity after years and years we finally cracked it, although it didn’t just help eliminate side effects it’s completely cured all side effects of obesity! No more diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure...the list went on and on! So we got a meeting with the right people and pitched our revolutionary breakthrough but it was quickly rejected..turns out corruption does exist, basically there’s more money in treating bad health than there is curing it!’ ‘Oh my god that’s disgusting!’ I interrupt ‘I know! But anyways me and my friend went back to the drawing board, we couldn’t just let this go! We soon found out that this formula also had pretty significant side effects...increased digestion, increased appetite, increased endorphins when eating, once the stomach was stretched to a certain point it would take more than twice as long to shrink to its original size which ultimately let to increased hunger! We soon realised we had made the perfect formula for people who wanted to gain weight! My friend was eager to start human trails and volunteered his wife’ ‘What happened to her? Did the formula work?!’ I interrupt again ‘Yeah it worked alright..a little to well...let’s just say it got a little out of hand! He used far to much far to quickly!’ ‘Dad, do you think you could perhaps make me a batch?’ ‘Hmm I don’t know son, I don’t want you getting carried away’ ‘Please dad! I’m begging! I won’t get carried away! 50 pounds max then I’ll stop I promise!’ ‘Hmm, ok! Let’s do it! Grab your coat Thomas..we’re going to the lab!’