Chapter 61 — Why Not, Indeed?

_May 5, 1984, Milwaukee, Wisconsin_

{psc} After lunch with Bianca, I'd showered before heading to Milwaukee for my date with Nikki, the receptionist from Belarus Tractors. I found a parking spot and walked into Wolski's Tavern just before 3:00pm to find Nikki waiting.

"Hi!" she exclaimed.

"Hi. Shall we get a table?"

"Yes. Non-smoking OK?"

"Preferred."

We asked the hostess to seat us in the non-smoking area, though given most of the bar permitted smoking, it only helped a bit. A waiter came to the table and took our orders for a pair of draught beers, and returned with them almost immediately.

"What does a 'financial analyst' do?" Nikki asked. "And what are 'Series 3 and Series 7' licenses?"

"I manage a team that researches and evaluates investments — stocks, bonds, commodities, currencies, and precious metals. That information is used to decide what investments will create the greatest returns for our clients. The two licenses allow me to broker any kind of financial instrument except life insurance or real estate. I run my own investment fund in addition to running the Research Department."

"Why visit a Soviet company? It's not like you can buy stock in them."

"True, but international trade is important to the global financial system. And who knows what will happen in the future? If Russia reforms the way China is starting to, maybe eventually, I could buy shares in Belarus on the Moscow or Leningrad Stock Exchange. What do you do for Belarus?"

"Whatever they ask! Basically, the usual receptionist's duties plus accounting clerk and payroll clerk duties."

"How long have you worked there?"

"Since I graduated from High School last year. Are you originally from Chicago?"

"Goshen, Ohio, which is about twenty-five miles northeast of Cincinnati. You?"

"Waukesha, which is west of here."

"I've been there. A friend insisted I try a Ponza Rotta at Jimmy's Grotto. I loved it."

"Dinner later? You could take me there."

"I could absolutely go for that."

"How old are you? I'm guessing at least twenty-five."

"Twenty-one," I replied.

"Really? I would have thought you needed a college degree to do your job."

"No, just the securities licenses. And actually, my main job doesn't require any kind of license or degree. I am taking classes part-time because work pays for them, but they aren't required."

"Do you live in Chicago?"

"I have a condo in the city," I replied. "Do you live in Milwaukee?"

"I live in Waukesha with my parents. It saves me a ton of money."

"Mind if I ask what your dad does?"

"He manages computer operations and programming for Waukesha County. My mom is a secretary in the Waukesha County Sheriff's Department. What about your parents.?"

"My dad was a salesman but died before I was born. My mom is a secretary at the local High School."

"So you never met him? Uhm, sorry. That's obvious from what you said."

"Don't sweat it. What do you like to do?"

"I'm a Brewers fan and like to go to games with my friends. I also like sailing on the lake with my best friend's family. My older brother is a pilot, and I like flying with him in his light plane."

"Does he do that for a living?"

"No. He's a CPA in Madison."

"So he's a bit older than you?"

"Nine years. We have different moms. Brent's mom had an affair and moved to California with the guy. Dad married my mom about five years after the divorce was final, and I was born two years later."

"What's it like to work for Russians?"

"Like any other job, I think. I mean, it's not like they made me swear to be a communist or whatever. I think the only strange things are the soviet flags and pictures of Lenin and the current Soviet leader. Well, and the FBI surveillance."

"Of you?"

"They talked to me one time right after I started, but otherwise, they haven't bothered me. They watch Mr. Bykov and Yuri, the main engineer, and follow them sometimes. They have very restrictive visas that limit where they can go. So, like they can't go near any military bases or nuclear plants, or visit certain kinds of companies. Our field engineers, who are mechanics, are all Americans. That means they can go anywhere and not have to worry about it."

"What about the KGB? I met with a trade official in Chicago, and he had a KGB security guard."

"I bet that was Major Anisimova. I've met her a few times. She's actually very nice and has a fifteen-year-old daughter. Did you know Belarus offers to take any staff member to Russia every year? We can go once every five years."

"I didn't know that. Are you going?"

"Absolutely! I mean, sure, it's behind the Iron Curtain, but I want to do it. We'll tour the Minsk Tractor Factory, then go to Moscow and have a tour there. The entire trip is only five days in Russia, but it'll be fun."

"I'd say it's a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I'd go if I was in your position."

"Do you get to travel for your job?"

"So far, I've been to Kansas, Wisconsin, and Ohio on business. Not exactly scenic tours, and the Ohio trip was to Cincinnati."

"Have you been overseas?"

"No. You?"

"To Canada, but that's it. How often do you ask guys who come into the office to have a beer?"

"You're the first! Most people who come in are farmers my dad's age! I haven't met anyone I really liked since I graduated High School, so when a nice-looking guy in a suit who's not too old came in, I decided to ask. I mean, what's the worst possible result? You said 'no'?"

"Good point!"

"So what do you do in your spare time?" Nikki asked.

"Hockey and baseball games, plus hanging out with my friends."

"Cubs or Sox?"

"Reds. I'm seeing them at Wrigley at the end of May with some friends."

"What do you drive?"

"A burgundy 1983 LeBaron convertible with a 5-speed transmission. You?"

"A blue '83 Ford Fairmont sedan. It was a graduation present. Did you play any sports in High School? You look like you could have played defensive back."

"No. I worked to help make ends meet. It was just my mom and me."

"She never remarried?"

"No. She worked two jobs so we could have our little house and a car. As soon as I could mow lawns and shovel snow, I started working. Later, I worked at a lumber yard, a feed store, and for a landscaping company."

"How did you end up in Chicago?"

"My uncle arranged for an entry-level job at Spurgeon Capital, and I worked my way up from mailroom clerk to mailroom supervisor to analyst to head of Research and earned my licenses in the process.."

"Wow! That's amazing! I absolutely chose the right guy to ask to have a beer!"

We finished our beers, but it wasn't even 3:30pm, so it was far too early for dinner.

"We have a couple of hours to kill," I said. "Any suggestions for what to do?"

"Milwaukee has a good art museum and a zoo," Nikki suggested.

"I'm OK with either of those," I said.

"How about the zoo? It's actually on the way to Waukesha."

"Sounds good. I suppose I'll follow you, but directions would be good in case somehow we're separated."

She gave me directions, which I wrote in the notebook I always carried, and after I paid for the beers, we left the pub. We were parked relatively close to each other, so it was easy to coördinate. I followed her Ford Fairmont without incident, and we arrived at the zoo about twenty minutes after we'd left the pub. We spent about two hours seeing the main animal exhibits and chatting about growing up.

At 5:30pm, we left the zoo and headed to Jimmy's Grotto in Waukesha. We seated ourselves and ordered pepperoni Ponza Rottas and a pitcher of root beer.

"Do you have a specific time you have to be back in Chicago?" Nikki asked.

"No, and I don't have to be up early tomorrow. Why?"

"I thought maybe we could see a movie."

"Did you check, or do we need to get a paper?"

"I checked. I want to see _Sixteen Candles_. It's a romantic comedy and got great reviews. I'm pretty sure it's set in the Chicago suburbs. It's playing in Brookfield, which is just west of the zoo."

"I'm game," I said.

"Bonus points for not balking at a romantic comedy!"

"Do I get to see this scorecard?" I asked with a grin.

"That's not how it works!" Nikki declared mirthfully. "You should know that!"

"I actually never dated in High School. My girlfriend was a neighbor girl I'd known since we were both toddlers. We were close friends and simply became boyfriend and girlfriend. We mostly hung out and didn't go out much."

"What happened with her, if it's OK to ask?"

"I moved to Chicago, she started seeing someone, and got pregnant."

"She wouldn't come with you?"

"She was a year behind me in High School, so that wasn't possible."

"And she started seeing someone so quickly?"

"It's complicated. What I gave you was an outline. Both of us made mistakes."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to pry."

"It's OK."

Our Ponza Rottas arrived, and we began eating.

"I hope I didn't upset you," Nikki said a few minutes later.

"You didn't. I tend to be direct, and I don't mind direct questions. Usually, I give direct answers, but relationships are complicated, and, honestly, we don't know each other well enough to share at that level."

Nikki was quiet for a moment, then nodded, "You're right. It's just you seem so approachable and easy to talk to that I forgot we basically just met."

"It's OK, as I said. You didn't lose any points!"

"I don't suppose I get to see the scorecard, do I?"

"Here's where, if I knew you better, I'd make a joke, but based on what I just said, I probably shouldn't."

"Now you _have_ to say it," Nikki demanded.

I chuckled, "I was going to say, 'Is this where I say I'll show you mine if you show me yours?'"

Nikki laughed, "That's cute, actually. Do you joke and tease a lot?"

"With my friends, yes, and they give as good as they get."

"That sounds like me and my two best friends."

We both focused on eating our meal and didn't talk much until it was time to leave to go to the movie.

"I live about a mile from here," Nikki said. "We could drop my car at my house, which will make it easier later."

"Sure," I agreed.

We got into our cars, and I followed Nikki to a residential subdivision with modest two-story houses. She pulled into a driveway, and I stopped by the curb. She got out of her car, walked over to mine, and got in. She gave me directions to the theatre in Brookfield, and I bought tickets for the 7:00pm showing. Neither of us wanted popcorn or drinks, so after using the facilities, we went into the theatre to wait for the movie to start.

When the house lights were turned down, I felt Nikki's shoulder lightly bump mine, then about fifteen seconds later, I felt it again. I took the hint and put my arm around her, something I obviously knew about but had never actually done in a movie theatre. It was a typical High School thing, which made sense, given Nikki had graduated the previous year and still lived at home.

If I understood the rituals properly, that meant I'd receive a 'good night' kiss when I drove her home after the movie. That would, I felt, inevitably lead to a second date, which created a conundrum — when to tell Nikki about Keiko and Sofía. One would likely generate sympathy, and the other, concern, given my relationship with Bianca. The question of future relationships could wait until it became necessary, if it ever did.

As the feature started, I made a concentrated effort to quiet the analytical part of my mind so I could focus on enjoying the movie. Enjoy it I did, as the comedy far outweighed the romance, and Anthony Michael Hall stole the show with one-liners that caused the audience to laugh repeatedly. Nikki clearly enjoyed the movie, as she was laughing right along with me.

"That was awesome!" Nikki gushed when we left the theatre.

"I agree! I really enjoyed it."

We walked to the car, and I held the door for Nikki to get in. Once she was in, I closed the door, walked around to the driver's side, and got in.

"Do I have enough points for a second date?" I asked as I started the car.

"Yes!" Nikki exclaimed as I pulled out of the parking spot. "Absolutely! When?"

"First, let me tell you two things that are very important."

"Uhm, OK. What?"

"I was married, and my wife died of leukemia on December 27th of last year."

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!"

"Thanks. The second thing is that before I married, a lesbian friend asked me to help her have a baby. I did that, and I have a one-month-old daughter named Sofía. She and her mom live in my condo with me but have their own rooms."

"I, uhm, don't know what to say about that."

"You have plenty of time to think about it," I said. "The next few weeks are very busy, so it would probably be three weeks before we can go out again."

"The timing…"

"I was faithful to my vows to Keiko. She and I were dating, but not exclusively at that point, though we were moving towards being a couple. She was diagnosed with leukemia and started treatment before I asked her to marry me. One side-effect of treatment is infertility, so Keiko and I agreed that I'd fulfill Bianca's — Sofía's mom — request.

"That all happened before we had a traditional Japanese engagement ceremony. Shortly thereafter, Keiko and I married in a civil ceremony because the future was unclear, then later on, we had a Shinto ceremony. The chemo didn't work, and we couldn't find a compatible bone marrow donor. Given there was no hope, she chose to stop treatment and come home, and died two days after Christmas."

"You weren't married very long."

"No, we weren't. I met her through a mutual friend in February, we had our engagement ceremony in August, as well as our civil wedding ceremony. Our Shinto ceremony was in October, and she died in December."

"You married her knowing she was going to die?"

"Knowing she _might_ die," I countered. "I had decided she was the one before her diagnosis, and I felt anything other than following through would be betraying everything I believe in — to be honest, to keep your word, and to follow through on your commitments."

"It sounds almost like _Love Story_," Nikki observed.

"There are parallels. Bianca insisted I see the movie after Keiko's diagnosis but before the engagement ceremony."

"Does your baby's mom have a…girlfriend, I guess it would be?"

"She did, but the girl broke up with her because she didn't want to live with a baby. That happened right before Sofía was born, despite the girlfriend agreeing it was OK for Bianca to have a baby. I'm sure Bianca will find a new girlfriend."

"And she'll live with you forever?"

"That is the plan," I replied. "Bianca works for me as a data analyst."

"Is that how you met her?"

"No. I met her at a party thrown by a friend of a girl who is the daughter of a floor trader and who temped in the mailroom. I hired her after I was promoted last August."

We had reached her house, and I pulled into the driveway. We both got out of the car, and I walked her to the door.

"Do you want me to call you?" I asked.

Nikki was quiet for a moment, then nodded, "Yes."

I debated whether or not to try to kiss her, and when she didn't turn to unlock the door, I was confident that I should. I leaned forward, and our lips touched in a soft kiss.

"I had a good time," she said. "Call soon, OK?"

"I will. Though, as I said, things are a bit hectic for the next two weeks. I'm taking another securities license exam on Wednesday, and I have my final for the class I'm taking on the 19th, and that's when things will calm down. But I'll call before then."

"Great!"

Nikki gave me a quick kiss, then turned to unlock the door. Once she was safely inside, I headed back to my car for the ninety-minute drive home.

_May 7, 1984, Chicago, Illinois_

"«Abuela» knows that we're celebrating Violet's birthday tonight, right?" I asked Bianca as we ate breakfast together on Monday morning.

"Yes. I'll bake the cake this afternoon. Violet turns twenty-one today, right?"

"Yes. Her gift was delivered on Wednesday. I'll bring it down after I dress for work. I also ordered flowers for her. They'll be delivered this morning."

"How did things go with the girl from Milwaukee?"

"I was surprised you didn't ask last night when I got into bed."

"I was beat! Sofía was cranky yesterday, and I didn't get much sleep. Fortunately, Chelsea will be here today, and I can nap this afternoon after work."

"What was wrong?" I asked.

"Who knows? Baby-itis?! I think some people call it 'colic', but she was just unhappy and cried a lot. Fortunately, she calmed down just before you came home and fell asleep. She was fine when I fed her at 2:00am and 5:00am."

"I wasn't around Heather enough to know, but when does she start eating baby food?"

"Probably around six months, but only to supplement breast milk. I'm going to make her food the way my mom did for us — basically purée it in a blender."

"What kinds of things?"

"Bananas, apples, peaches, carrots, and peas. Eventually, chicken. She'll nurse until she's around sixteen months, though she may stop sooner on her own. So, Milwaukee?"

"She's interested in a second date. I didn't say anything about Keiko or Sofía until I was taking Nikki home from the theatre after seeing _Sixteen Candles_. I felt it was better to not influence her one way or the other, and, honestly, if either of us hadn't been interested in a second date, I wouldn't have said anything at all."

"That makes sense. I assume that's how you plan to handle any new girls?"

"I think so."

"So you're branching out from art students?" Bianca asked with a smirk.

"That was just a function of modeling for Claire's class."

"You're modeling for another student, right? I mean, besides CeCi?"

"Yes. That starts soon. She's supposed to call to set up our first session."

"And the one who went home to Oregon?"

"Krissy? We'll talk over the Summer a few times. I'm enjoying getting to know a bunch of different girls who aren't part of one of Ellie's baseball games."

"That really bugs you that much?" Bianca asked.

"It didn't, at least in the beginning; it was just the ridiculous, over-the-top idea she had. She totally got off on seeing me have sex with other girls, which changed the character from the games we played when Allyson hosted them."

"Those were fun! I still remember that first kiss at Allyson's New Year's Eve party!"

"And who knew it would lead to that little girl in her crib upstairs!"

"Not me, that's for sure!"

"Me, either!"

We finished our breakfast, I went upstairs to change, and when I went back downstairs, I put the wrapped gift for Violet on the breakfast bar. I grabbed my satchel, and Bianca and I made our three-elevator commute.

When I arrived, I saw the 'Flash Note' Pete had written about Continental Illinois on my desk and quickly read through it. It was clear, succinct, and to the point. He had confirmed what Stan Jakes had told me with his friend at the bank, and the conclusion was that a run on the bank would begin as soon as it opened for business, though institutions could initiate transfers at any time, and execution depended on their agreement with Continental Illinois.

My phone rang just as I was coming back to my desk with a cup of freshly brewed coffee.

"Research, Kane."

"Noel. Who wrote the report?"

"Pete Mueller. I called him after I saw the article in the _Trib_. Jack Nelson had someone come in to distribute it yesterday afternoon before the overnight guys started their day."

"Excellent work. That short of yours is going to pay off handsomely. I want you to expand the research on banks and S&Ls. This won't be an isolated incident."

"Mueller is on it, and you'll see an expanded section on banking in today's analyst report. It will include an overall health rating for the sector and a list of the fifteen institutions with the worst balance sheets due to non-performing loans. We're improving our model; Pérez is working on that."

"A step ahead once again. You're kicking ass, Kane. Keep it up!"

"Will do."

"Make sure you take care of Mueller."

"Already on it. I offered steak dinners for him and his wife."

"Good man. I'll remember this at bonus time for your team."

"Thanks."

He hung up without a further word, so I replaced the handset in the cradle. I turned back to my IBM PC and continued working on my section of the daily analyst report. I finished it and reviewed what the rest of the team had written and had just finished when Violet's flowers were delivered.

"You're so sweet!" she exclaimed. "Thank you!"

"You're welcome! Happy birthday!"

As we were in the office, we didn't even hug so as not to give the wrong impression. Pete came into my office a few minutes later.

"I just spoke to my contact, and there's a run on institutional deposits. The bank is responding as we discussed, and my contact's rough estimate is they can survive about two weeks without government help. Internal rumors say they're talking to the Fed about emergency liquidity, but there's pushback from the White House."

"That makes sense. The money pros at Treasury and the Fed will have to convince Reagan to act, and he might not. I still agree with you that when push comes to shove, there will be intervention, but it might be a close thing. Noel Spurgeon complimented you on the 'Flash Note'. He said he'd remember at bonus time."

"Fuckin' A!" Pete exclaimed.

"And let me know where you want to take Katey."

"Morton's."

"OK. I'll call and set it up. Dinner for two, dessert, and a bottle of wine. I should have the gift certificate from them by the end of the week. You'll just need to make reservations. And gratuity is included."

"Thanks!"

"Keep up the good work!"

He left the office, and I went about my typical morning routine. I had lunch with Violet as usual, and we went to the gym to work out. During the afternoon, we had what had become a monthly staff meeting on the first Monday of each month. I commended the team for their work, and we discussed changes and improvements to the daily analyst report, as well as the programming work Steve Smith and Bianca were doing, though Bianca wasn't in attendance.

At the end of the day, Violet accompanied me to the condo so we could celebrate her birthday. «Abuela» had made spicy grilled chicken, roasted zucchini, and rice, which was fantastic. As she'd promised, Bianca had made «Tres Leches» cake, and when it was brought out, Deanna, CeCi, Bianca, and I sang _Happy Birthday_ to Violet.

The cake was out of this world, and once we finished it, I gave Violet the box with her gift. She opened it and gasped when she saw the ruby bracelet, earrings, and pendant I'd ordered from a jeweler near the tailor shop Beth had recommended.

"Thank you so much!" Violet exclaimed.

"You're welcome! Happy twenty-first birthday!"

Everyone else chimed in as well, and Violet put on the jewelry. We all got up from the table, and Deanna said she was going to her studio and asked to borrow the car after she and CeCi helped clean up after the meal. I agreed, and Violet and I went into the Japanese room. We didn't have to take off our shoes for the «tatami» mats, as Bianca and I had agreed we'd continue our 'no shoes inside' practice to preserve the hardwood floors and area rugs.

I put on a classical station that played album sides, then sat in one of the Papasan chairs next to Violet.

"Thank you for the wonderful gift," she said.

"You're welcome!"

Violet moved into my lap, and I put my arms loosely around her. She smiled, curled up, and rested her head on my shoulder, and sighed deeply.

"This feels so safe," she whispered.

"I'm glad," I replied. "You know I would never do anything to hurt you and will do everything in my power to ensure nobody else hurts you."

"Thank you."

We sat quietly for a few minutes, both enjoying the closeness.

"What are you thinking right now?" Violet asked.

"How much I care for you and how happy I am that we're friends."

"Not…"

"Rumors to the contrary notwithstanding, that is not the only thing I think about! In fact, it's not even the primary thing I think about! Of course, now that you brought it up…"

Violet laughed softly, "I'd say I'm sorry, but it wouldn't be true. If I asked you to, would you?"

"If you can accept me for who I am and what I'm able to provide, yes."

"You miss Keiko terribly, don't you?"

"I do."

"She's always going to have part of your heart."

"Bianca agrees with you."

"I don't see how it could be otherwise. Can I ask you something?"

"We already agreed you could!"

"Not that!" Violet laughed. "I mean, yes, that, but…I know you'll give me an honest answer."

"Of course."

"If we did, what would change other than that we did it?"

"In one sense, nothing; in another sense, we don't know. OK to be my usual self?"

"Yes, of course."

"If it were just for fun or to feel good, then nothing really would change except that we'd have done it. But I don't think either of us would think it was just for fun or to feel good. It would mean something to both of us, and we'd each have to deal with those feelings. Let me ask you this — are you sure you won't have a panic attack?"

"I think the only way to know for sure is to actually get to that point. We discussed that at my house."

"That the only way you could know if you could do it was to do it."

"Yes. Will you give me a real kiss? Just one to see?"

"Yes."

Violet lifted her head and presented her lips for a kiss. I moved my head until our lips touched softly. We held that soft kiss for a short time before Violet's lips parted. I accepted the invitation and gently slid my tongue into her mouth, and we exchanged a very soft, very sweet French kiss. Violet moaned, and her body tensed a bit, so I broke the kiss.

"You OK?" I asked

"It made me feel very weird, like in the pit of my stomach."

"I believe that's normal," I said. "Is that why you tensed?"

"Sorry."

"There is no need to apologize!" I said gently. "Just answer the question."

"Yes," Violet said quietly. "It made me feel strange, but also made me want to…"

"That's normal, too."

"Kiss me again, please."

I touched my lips to Violet's and we exchanged a soft French kiss. Violet moaned but didn't tense, and we kissed for nearly a minute before she broke the kiss. She stared into my eye, then grasped my wrist. She began moving my arm upwards.

"Are you sure?" I asked quietly.

"I trust you to stop if I say stop, so you have to trust me to stop if I need to."

"OK," I agreed with a bit of trepidation.

We kissed again, and I carefully moved my hand to her small breast and cupped it through her fuzzy pink sweater. I had my reservations, not because I felt Violet was going to have a panic attack, but because of how it might change our relationship. As much as I loved her, I was not emotionally ready for a serious relationship. I broke the kiss but didn't move my hand.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked.

"Kiss me again, please."

I did and gently squeezed her breast, longing to feel it without the intervening material. After two minutes, Violet broke the kiss.

"You can put your hand under my sweater," she said quietly, seemingly reading my mind.

I almost asked if she was sure, but I'd asked earlier, and she'd made it clear she'd tell me to stop, so I simply moved my hand down and carefully slipped it under the pink sweater, feeling a cotton T-shirt. I slid my hand up and cupped her small breast through the T-shirt, realizing she wasn't wearing a bra.

We began kissing, and I rubbed Violet's nipple through the thin cotton material. I knew the next move had to be mine, so I slid my hand down to Violet's stomach and tugged on the t-shirt, pulling it from her skirt. I pushed my fingers under the soft cotton material, and they came in contact with Violet's stomach. She gasped and broke the kiss.

"Yes," she whispered.

We began kissing again, and I slowly slid my hand up towards Violet's breast. Her skin was silky smooth, and she trembled and moaned in anticipation as my fingers traced a path to her small, firm breast. I cupped her breast in my palm, then ran my finger around her engorged nipple.

My erection was straining against my briefs and slacks, but the way Violet was sitting, it wasn't pressing against her. I wondered how she'd react to seeing it, but my ability to think rationally was diminished as blood was redirected from other vital organs, including my brain, to make me rock hard.

We spent several minutes kissing with my hand on Violet's breast, alternating cupping it and running my finger over her nipple. Even in my slightly addled state, I recalled Violet talking about working our way towards making love.

That thought indicated my next move, and I released Violet's breast and cautiously slid my hand down her side and to her stomach, my fingers pointing downwards. I paused briefly, then gently pushed my fingers under the hem of her skirt, encountering the elastic waist of her cotton panties. I carefully pressed my fingers past it and felt soft pubic hair. I moved my fingers in a circle, then moved lower.

"Wait!" Violet gasped, breaking the kiss.

My first reaction was to withdraw my hand as if I'd touched a hot stove, but I fought that, as I felt it might send the wrong message. Instead, I left my hand where it was, the tips of my fingers about half an inch about the top of Violet's labia. I felt it better to wait for her to speak or take the next step, as anything I said or did could be misinterpreted or hurt her.

"W…w…we should stop," she finally said.

With that, I carefully removed my hand from under her clothes and simply held her.

"Say something," she requested, her voice barely audible.

"I love you, Violet," I said. "And I respect you."

"I…feel like I'm about to lose control, and I'm afraid I'm going to have a panic attack."

I suspected she was confusing the build-up to an orgasm to the onset of a panic attack, but I absolutely could not apply any pressure, as she might actually have a panic attack, which was the last thing I wanted. I remembered our conversation about her being at the same stage as a young teenager, and the combination of excitement, nerves, and building physical pleasure was probably overwhelming.

"Then we can just cuddle," I offered.

"But you want to…"

"I desire you, but my desire to keep you safe and to protect you is far stronger."

"Thank you," she said, snuggling close.

We cuddled for about twenty minutes, and then she suggested she should go home before it was too late. We had a quick discussion about how she would get home, and we agreed that calling Chicago Livery was the best approach. I'd set up an account with them, so all I needed to do was order the car, and I'd be billed at the end of the month.

Ten minutes later, I accompanied Violet to the lobby.

"Miss Clemmons, your car is here," Robert said when we approached the door.

Violet and I exchanged a hug, and she kissed my cheek.

"See you tomorrow at work," she said. "Thank you for the gifts."

"You're welcome. See you tomorrow."

She and Robert went out to the black Town Car, he held the door for her and, once she was safely inside, closed the door. The Town Car pulled away, and I headed for the elevator to return to the condo.

"I would have bet anything she'd have spent the night tonight," Bianca said when I sat down next to her in the conversation pit.

"You know she has significant struggles, and she might never overcome them," I said.

"She's really changed and become what I would call a 'complete person' in the past year."

"I don't disagree, and that's major progress from where she was when I met her, and that was after she'd had four years of counseling to get her to the point where she was even comfortable talking to a guy."

"I have to ask — is Violet willing to accept the reality that you'll most likely never marry and might well never have a committed, monogamous relationship?"

"We've discussed it a few times and I have no doubt that's part of her struggle. I think Nancy, the counselor Violet and I have both seen, put it best when she compared Violet to a young teen just discovering sex and sexuality. I'm positive it's overwhelming."

"You didn't have that problem, did you?"

"Because I never saw Bev that way until she kissed me on her sixteenth birthday, so I never struggled with it, per se. I mean, sure, I had urges, but never for Bev. The fact that we went from first kiss to screwing in just under five minutes left zero room for trepidation. Hormones took over, and I was incapable of rational thought as soon as I saw Bev's breasts!"

Bianca laughed, "I know about being unable to form a coherent thought from my first time! The desire just pushed all rationality aside, and I wanted, no, I _needed_ to be fucked. I think that's how so many teenage girls end up pregnant."

"I suspect you're right."

A cry transmitted by the intercom interrupted our conversation.

"I'll get Miss Sofía," I offered.

Bianca smiled, so I got up and went upstairs. I changed my daughter's diaper, then brought her downstairs to her mom to nurse.

"I saw CeCi's door open," I said.

"She decided to go to the gallery with Deanna and hang out."

"Speaking of that, did Deanna let you know the gallery will be open Tuesday through Friday evenings and Saturday evenings?"

"Yes. She wrote it in the calendar book we keep by the phone."

Deanna had suggested the option of a notebook-style calendar so as not to have to hang a large blotter-style calendar on the wall the way we had at the house. I'd agreed because it would have stood out like a sore thumb in the design.

"Are you sleeping with me tonight?" Bianca asked a few minutes later.

"If you want, yes. Neither Deanna nor CeCi mentioned anything, and they're out."

"They snooze, they lose!" Bianca declared. "But all kidding aside, I don't want to monopolize you."

"Sure you do!" I countered with a grin. "So long as you have access to pussy, too!"

Bianca laughed, "As much as I like sex with you, that's actually not the important part."

"It's being a family — you, me and Sofía."

"Exactly. We can do that without sex, but why not have sex, too?"

"Why not, indeed!" I chuckled.